Getting Parents On Board with Behavior Management

“It just seems like parents don’t care anymore.”

It’s a sentiment that can be found in almost every preschool/daycare Facebook group, discussions among ECE co-workers, and other communities in early childhood.

There’s this feeling that parents are too lenient, passive, and overall uncaring when it comes to their child and their behavior in the preschool/daycare classroom, and it’s creating a wedge of resentment between educators and parents.

So, how can we get parents to get on board with behavior management?

First, a little perspective…

“Well, little Jimmy never does this at home!”

Many educators roll their eyes (figuratively) when they hear this but…the parent might be right.

There’s actually a chance that little Jimmy doesn’t hit at home, have such aggressive tantrums, or act out.

And that’s because the child is in a completely different environment, with different stimulation and expectations.

At school, the child has more people to interact with and learn how to share, be empathetic, and courteous. They may have different limits and expectations for behavior.

Even if they have siblings, they’re still likely not sharing space and toys with multiple other children at home.

There is a myriad of different factors and personalities for the child to react to that they don’t encounter at home- meaning caregivers don’t get the opportunities to see certain behavior.

This isn’t necessarily an issue of parents not caring.

It’s a miscommunication issue.

Since the environment is not the same as home when we share behavior concerns with parents we also need to consider what differences could be impacting that behavior and give parents that full context.

Instead of only telling parents that Little Jimmy keeps hitting friends, also explain that it seems to happen more frequently when the play center is too crowded or when another child gets too close and he becomes protective over his toys, etc.

This gives parents a clearer picture of the behavior concern and why it’s a concern, even if it’s not something seen outside of the classroom.

But they don’t discipline them at home!

Here’s the thing.

We cannot control what happens in their home.

It certainly helps when parents are on the same page as educators, but at the end of the day, we cannot control how someone chooses to parent their child or which discipline methods they use and don’t use.

And we will only continue to stress ourselves out by focusing on aspects out of our control.

But out of our control doesn’t mean out of our influence.

There are things we can do to encourage parents to get involved with behavior management.

What would you like parents to do?

How you want parents to help is an important question.

Many educators are frustrated by the parents' seeming lack of urgency after reporting another biting incident, but if that happened hours ago, what could the parent do now that’s helpful?

This is going to require us to identify how we define discipline ourselves because our definition will frame how we see parents’ involvement in behavior management.

If we define discipline as punitive methods like lectures, taking away toys, timeouts, etc then when a parent doesn’t lecture or threaten to take away toys once they get home, it’s more likely you’ll feel frustrated.

However, developmentally, especially for young children, lectures and shaming (particularly hours after the event) do little to nothing to help with behavior.

That performative display of authority is more for the adult’s reassurance than to teach a child.

Knowing that, it feels like less of a big deal to not see a parent give a child a stern “talking to” because we know it’s not helping much anyway.

That being said, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing the parents and caregivers can do to help.

Often parents don’t know what they could do and we can’t assume that they have the same resources, knowledge, or perspective as an early childhood educator.

It helps if we clearly communicate how they can support us in the classroom.

When a child is displaying challenging behavior it’s often in response to an unmet need or a lack of a certain skill like impulse control or problem-solving.

Those are things parents can help with at home.

For example for an unmet need: if we know a child is regularly acting out right before lunch and is extremely tired, we can discuss with parents how to work together to get the child more sleep, maybe by an earlier bedtime or by asking the parents if they’re okay with staff getting the child ready for nap a few minutes early.

If it’s skill building: a child that’s struggling to ask for help and has resorted to screaming, you can ask parents to help reinforce using the sign for “help” when frustrated.

You can try suggesting books, printing an article, giving them the brochure for the speech evaluator, etc.

Stay in regular communication with the parents about what they’re doing at home, what’s going on at school, and what other supports they are using (like if they attend therapeutic play or speech therapy, etc).

Open communication helps ensure everyone is working towards a common goal to help the child succeed, as well as staying on top of important information that can impact the methods used, like if there was a recent change in service or a major life event.

A formal behavior plan can give everyone a clear picture of what behavior is happening at school, what the teacher is doing in response, and how parents can help support these efforts, and keep track of what’s been tried, and what’s working.

(BTW: Our online professional development on challenging behavior has a whole section dedicated to showing teachers how to make a behavior management plan.)

Don’t only communicate when things are bad!

If there’s ongoing behavior challenges, hopefully you’ve been in regular communication with the parent from the beginning concerning the behavior, but be intentional about mentioning other things too!

No one wants to only hear about why their child is so challenging 24/7 and it can warp their perception of you and your intentions if the only time you speak with them it’s to tell them something negative.

Share a positive learning moment, a funny joke the child made, reassure them you’re both on the same team, something positive to maintain a good relationship with them.

When nothing works…

In a perfect world, parents/caregivers would 100% get on board with supporting educators with behavior challenges and be open to communication and teamwork.

Unfortunately, it is not a perfect world.

There might be situations where the parent absolutely refuses to seek out an evaluation, digs their feet in about insisting their child isn’t capable of certain behavior, or doesn’t follow through on something you know would be beneficial for the child.

You could give them a million and one articles and resources to help and they all might go unread and ignored.

It’s frustrating.

But you might have to come to terms with it and move forward with trying to provide the best care you can with things within your control.

In those moments remember:

• Try to withhold judgment. We never know why a parent is refusing to get involved. It could be they’re at their mental/emotional capacity, maybe they’re struggling with the fear of a possible diagnosis, maybe they don’t have the resources or an understanding of how to navigate the situation, etc.

  It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that they’re bad parents or just don’t care- but that’s an assumption, and a potentially harmful one.

• Keep communicating and trying. You can’t force caregivers to do something, but you can keep encouraging them.

  Continue to provide resources, updating the parent, reminding them you’re there to be a support if they need you, and that you’re there and waiting when/if they’re ready to move forward.

• It’s harder to see change without parent support, but not impossible. You can still create consistent routines and expectations for the child in the classroom with or without parental support. Eventually, the child will begin to see that there are a certain set of expectations at school that you enforce, even if it’s not followed through with at home.

If it’s something beyond your scope of care, like intense aggression, concerns with cognitive development, or maladaptive behavior and it really needs a parent’s intervention to seek out evaluations or other resources, the next steps need to be discussed in-depth with your director.

The answer isn’t always expulsion. As a matter of fact, we encourage, if at all possible, to not resort to exclusionary methods.

You may be able to get support from other agencies like an ECE coach or behavior management coach to help in the classroom. Still continue to communicate with the parents.

Unfortunately, there are honestly still some situations where the child simply cannot get the care they need without certain resources, and if the parent’s lack of involvement is what’s preventing that, then we owe it to the child (and parent) to be honest and let them know upfront.

Overall, sometimes that feeling of parents not caring is actually just miscommunication or a lack of communication.

And in situations when you might be on your own, share your frustration with a trusted colleague or Early Childhood community members and hold on to knowing that you’re doing your best, and that’s all you really can do.