Dealing With Aggressive Behavior: when kids hit, kick, and bite
When it comes to challenging behavior, aggression is one of the top struggles teachers cite needing help with.
It’s disruptive for the child, the staff and teachers, and their peers, and any teacher will tell you an ongoing problem of a child being aggressive can completely change the atmosphere and vibe of the entire classroom.
At its worst, the behavior can result in serious injury to someone.
And it only seems to be getting more prevalent as the years pass.
So, what should early childhood educators do about children who hit, kick, and bite in the classroom?
Understand what’s happening
It’s expected for children to sometimes engage in aggressive behavior.
Developmentally their executive functioning skills are still needing lots and lots of practice, which means they have limited impulse control, emotional regulation skills, and conflict resolution.
When they feel strong emotions like anger, frustration, or fear that inclination to react with their body kicks in, resulting in actions like hitting.
For younger children with limited means of communication, biting is 100% typical behavior as well.
That’s why understanding child development is such a crucial part of behavior management in early childhood education.
It allows us to discern what’s developmentally typical and expected behavior versus what behavior may be a cause for concern.
This will further shape the way we address the behavior and if any interventions and resources will be needed.
It should be noted that just because certain behaviors are typical, it doesn’t mean it’s behavior to ignore or not take seriously, and the frequency that it happens also makes a difference too.
For example, it’s normal to see a nearly two-year-old bite when they’re not able to communicate their needs, but it can be a cause of concern when paired with regression in speech and a known recent trauma.
It could be just a one-off incident that is fixed with something like offering a child a chewy to keep them from biting a friend or redirecting a bored child to something more interesting.
We also have to keep in mind (with this post being written in late 2022) that children in the last 1-3 years have experienced some pretty traumatic events collectively and this also will impact their behavior and the development of their executive functioning skills.
All that said, sometimes, there are children who display ongoing aggressive behavior that need more intensive attention from us.
And those are the behavior’s we’ll be focusing on in this blog post.
Let’s get into what to do about children biting, kicking, and hitting.
Some news you don’t want to hear…
The most important part of dealing with aggressive behavior is going to happen when the child is not acting aggressively.
Being aggressive is a sign that the child is struggling with executive functioning skills, and those can be taught.
As their skill grows, the behavior decreases; but just like a muscle, it needs to be strengthened through training and repetition.
Unfortunately, if it’s been ongoing behavior, there’s not going to be some magical teacher hack to get them to stop overnight.
#1. When they’re not being aggressive
Self-regulation for adults
When it comes to behavior like hitting and kicking, it can be very triggering for adults, especially if the aggression is being directed at them.
It’s crucial for us as adults to be mindful of how we’re regulating our own emotions and reaction when engaging with the child if we want to be effective.
When a child is acting aggressively they're dysregulated, and if we’re also dysregulated then it stands to reason that we can’t help them in that state.
Even when we don’t quite know what to do in terms of getting their behavior to stop, the one thing we can be sure of is that we have to remain calm.
Self-regulation also comes into play when addressing our own biases and assumptions we might be consciously or unconsciously making about the child, which also impacts how we interact with them.
If we’ve already decided the child is bad, then that perspective will continue to paint how we engage with them.
Even unintentionally, teachers can begin seeing the majority of the child’s actions as malicious or automatically assume that the child is in the wrong whenever there’s a disagreement between them and another student.
It can even escalate to a point when we write the child off as hopeless and stop actively looking for solutions and ways to help them.
It’s certainly easier said than done, but stay clear-headed and objective so you can find a solution that’s best for the child instead of being punitive.
Try brainstorming regulation techniques you can use when the child is acting out beforehand to help.
Prevention and proactivity
It’s not always possible, but when you can, prevent the behavior or keep it from escalating.
Things like giving the child an additional warning when it’s time to clean up, letting them know ahead of time about a change in the schedule, or giving them plenty of reminders about the expectations can make all the difference in the severity of their actions.
“Remember only 3 friends can be in the blocks center so you may have to wait.” or “I know nap isn’t your favorite time but after lunch it’s going to be time to lay down; do you remember where your emotions chart is?”
This gives them a chance to make an appropriate decision about their behavior when they’re regulated enough to properly identify and process their feelings.
Teach Regulation Techniques Throughout The Day
You want to introduce regulation tools and methods like deep breathing, using an emotion chart, or using the peace corner when they’re calm.
Don’t wait until they’re in the middle of smacking their friends to attempt to show them the candle-breathing technique or calm-down bottles.
Learning to use those requires the use of the prefrontal cortex, the front part of the brain that helps us with emotional regulation, decision making, and empathy, but when a child is dysregulated and acting aggressively they’re not using that part of their brain.
Their limbic system is activated and they’re in a fight, flight, and freeze mode.
That means their ability to learn and understand how those regulation tools can help is severely limited.
The idea is to teach them beforehand so that when they are dysregulated, it’s already a learned skill that doesn’t require much processing on their part.
They can be prompted to take deep breaths and do so almost like they’re on autopilot and then eventually calm down enough to override the limbic system and think rationally again.
#2. When they are being aggressive (during the incidents)
Safety First
“Gentle” discipline methods often get a bad rep as being permissive and even oblivious to when a child is putting themselves or others in danger.
However, a huge part of most gentle discipline methods is respecting the child– and respect means caring enough to not let them hurt themselves or others.
When a child is at risk or already harming someone the FIRST priority is safety.
This may mean removing the child from the area or having the other children leave, removing items, blocking a child, or taking an item that has become dangerous from the child.
This can still be done respectfully by sportscasting what you’re doing and why. “I’m moving you from this area so you don’t get hurt.”
Or “Since you’re no longer being safe with the scissor, I’m taking them from you.”
Set the boundary.
Once they’re safe then you can establish the boundary.
It could be simply reminding them about more appropriate ways to express their emotions, or it might require a consequence like not moving to the next activity until they’ve cleaned the mess they made or not being allowed to play with a toy they took from a friend.
Example: “I’m going to take the toy from you since you won’t give it back. It was not your turn to use it and you cannot hit her because you’re upset”.
If the child continues to hit, block them and firmly let them know, “You still cannot have her toy and I also won’t allow you to hurt me. I’ll keep blocking your hand until you stop.” or remove yourself from the area.
The boundary is not being allowed to use the toy since they took it, and will continue to be enforced. Aggression doesn’t change that set boundary and get them what they want.
And here’s the honest truth, that can potentially trigger the child further and have them test further. So, if the child was hitting and you’ve been blocking them, they may change tactics and try kicking instead.
That’s where “I’m unbothered” comes in.
“I’m Unbothered”
Children need stability, and when they’re acting out they need someone to take charge for them.
The world and their feelings can feel big and overwhelming and they often feel powerless.
They need to see that the adult in the room will take charge when they feel out of control and is confident enough to do so.
When children are acting out aggressively, they’re often looking for a reaction and to see where the limits are.
Getting a reaction, especially a strong, visceral one like an adult becoming flustered when they hit or a peer crying when they bite can make them feel powerful, so they’ll keep doing it.
It can also feel powerful to know that they can push the boundaries further and further.
This is why self-regulation is so important because we’re not going to give the child an emotional reaction. Harming people is not an appropriate way to regain control or power, and we won’t reward it with a reaction.
Instead, show them that you set a boundary, and despite how big their emotion might feel at that moment, that boundary is going to be enforced.
You are “unbothered” and unresponsive to their attempts to get a reaction such as trying kicking when hitting didn’t work.
Just like when you blocked their hits, kicking doesn’t change the end result. “You still cannot have the toy and I won’t allow you to hurt me either...”
If they’re hurting a friend or raising their hand to threaten them, they’re likely pausing to look and see how the adult is reacting, whether it’s positive or negative.
You’re not going to ignore them, but you’re also not going to be reactive either.
Respond by stating plainly “If you hit you’ll have to leave the center.” or “You don’t hit when you’re angry, say ‘I’m angry’ instead.”
To sum it up, whatever decision you make, do so confidently and without being reactive.
Empathy
This is a hard one, especially when a child is being aggressive, but it’s important.
Be empathetic.
They need it now even more than ever.
This does not mean baby-talking the child or giving in to what they want.
But it does mean you’re acknowledging their feelings and their perspective.
We do this for three reasons:
This gives them back some feeling of power and control. When a child feels seen and validated, they feel a little more in control. Even as adults, we know a simple acknowledgment of our feelings can go a long way, even if it doesn’t necessarily result in what we want or fix our problem.
This helps them identify what they’re feeling. As mentioned earlier, children are not operating from their prefrontal cortex when they’re acting out aggressively, which means they’re also likely feeling intense emotions that can be scary and overwhelming.
By acknowledging their emotion, you’re helping them identify what’s going on. “I can see you’re feeling angry right now, maybe even sad. Everyone gets sad sometimes.” When a child can understand what’s happening, they may feel safer, which means it’s easier for them to snap out of that fight, flight, or freeze mode.
It keeps us as adults grounded. It’s easy to forget how serious things can feel from a child’s perspective. What seems inconsequential to us, can be a big deal for them. Remembering this can help us better meet the needs of the child. “Seeing him knock over your tower must have been extremely frustrating. You worked really hard on it.”
Keep it simple
When they’re in the middle of a meltdown, now is not the time for complex lectures, discussions, or trying to reason.
Again, going back to that prefrontal cortex vs limbic system, they are not in the state of mind to be rational.
They need to calm down first.
So keep your instructions and your language simple, clear, and concise.
If you’re offering choices, make them easy and be prepared to make a choice for them if/when they can’t.
For example: “I can tell you’re angry right now but hitting hurts your friends and now she’s crying and upset. Do you want your friend to be upset? There are other ways to show you’re angry without hitting. You need to clean up the mess you made during your tantrum and say sorry to your friend for hurting her.”
In that example, there are multiple directions for the child to follow that also require a lot of skill; from recognizing emotion and practicing empathy, to conflict resolution, planning, and reflection.
That’s likely too much for them to process, much less follow through on, in their current state of mind.
Instead try simplifying it: “Wow! I can see you’re angry about not using the toy. You can’t hit but I can help you clean up and find a new toy.”
Here, we’re avoiding long discussions and too many decisions.
After they’ve calmed down, you can discuss how their friend might have been feeling sad because they got hurt when they were hit. Then you can co-plan ways to resolve that.
And finally, be okay with them still being upset.
Children are entitled to their feelings, even “negative” ones like anger, frustration, and sadness.
If they’ve stopped being aggressive but haven’t necessarily stopped glaring or continue to cry, that’s okay for now.
We don’t need to “fix” their emotions, simply show them appropriate ways to express them.
Keep reassuring them you’re there if they need hugs or someone to read a book, but also be okay with letting them feel their emotions.
In summary
Before they’re aggressive:
Self-regulate
Be proactive and try to prevent the behavior
Teach regulation skills throughout the day
When they’re acting aggressively:
Prioritize safety
Set the boundary
Remain “unbothered”
Demonstrate empathy
Give clear and simple directions
Allow them to feel their emotions
For more details on ways to manage behavior and behavior management techniques, check out the Classroom Chaos to Calm training.
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