Getting Parents On Board with Behavior Management
Sometimes it can feel like parents just aren’t as invested in supporting teachers with behavior management as we’d like. Here are some tips to help parents get more involved with behavior management in the early childhood classroom.
“It just seems like parents don’t care anymore.”
It’s a sentiment that can be found in almost every preschool/daycare Facebook group, discussions among ECE co-workers, and other communities in early childhood.
There’s this feeling that parents are too lenient, passive, and overall uncaring when it comes to their child and their behavior in the preschool/daycare classroom, and it’s creating a wedge of resentment between educators and parents.
So, how can we get parents to get on board with behavior management?
First, a little perspective…
“Well, little Jimmy never does this at home!”
Many educators roll their eyes (figuratively) when they hear this but…the parent might be right.
There’s actually a chance that little Jimmy doesn’t hit at home, have such aggressive tantrums, or act out.
And that’s because the child is in a completely different environment, with different stimulation and expectations.
At school, the child has more people to interact with and learn how to share, be empathetic, and courteous. They may have different limits and expectations for behavior.
Even if they have siblings, they’re still likely not sharing space and toys with multiple other children at home.
There is a myriad of different factors and personalities for the child to react to that they don’t encounter at home- meaning caregivers don’t get the opportunities to see certain behavior.
This isn’t necessarily an issue of parents not caring.
It’s a miscommunication issue.
Since the environment is not the same as home when we share behavior concerns with parents we also need to consider what differences could be impacting that behavior and give parents that full context.
Instead of only telling parents that Little Jimmy keeps hitting friends, also explain that it seems to happen more frequently when the play center is too crowded or when another child gets too close and he becomes protective over his toys, etc.
This gives parents a clearer picture of the behavior concern and why it’s a concern, even if it’s not something seen outside of the classroom.
But they don’t discipline them at home!
Here’s the thing.
We cannot control what happens in their home.
It certainly helps when parents are on the same page as educators, but at the end of the day, we cannot control how someone chooses to parent their child or which discipline methods they use and don’t use.
And we will only continue to stress ourselves out by focusing on aspects out of our control.
But out of our control doesn’t mean out of our influence.
There are things we can do to encourage parents to get involved with behavior management.
What would you like parents to do?
How you want parents to help is an important question.
Many educators are frustrated by the parents' seeming lack of urgency after reporting another biting incident, but if that happened hours ago, what could the parent do now that’s helpful?
This is going to require us to identify how we define discipline ourselves because our definition will frame how we see parents’ involvement in behavior management.
If we define discipline as punitive methods like lectures, taking away toys, timeouts, etc then when a parent doesn’t lecture or threaten to take away toys once they get home, it’s more likely you’ll feel frustrated.
However, developmentally, especially for young children, lectures and shaming (particularly hours after the event) do little to nothing to help with behavior.
That performative display of authority is more for the adult’s reassurance than to teach a child.
Knowing that, it feels like less of a big deal to not see a parent give a child a stern “talking to” because we know it’s not helping much anyway.
That being said, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing the parents and caregivers can do to help.
Often parents don’t know what they could do and we can’t assume that they have the same resources, knowledge, or perspective as an early childhood educator.
It helps if we clearly communicate how they can support us in the classroom.
When a child is displaying challenging behavior it’s often in response to an unmet need or a lack of a certain skill like impulse control or problem-solving.
Those are things parents can help with at home.
For example for an unmet need: if we know a child is regularly acting out right before lunch and is extremely tired, we can discuss with parents how to work together to get the child more sleep, maybe by an earlier bedtime or by asking the parents if they’re okay with staff getting the child ready for nap a few minutes early.
If it’s skill building: a child that’s struggling to ask for help and has resorted to screaming, you can ask parents to help reinforce using the sign for “help” when frustrated.
You can try suggesting books, printing an article, giving them the brochure for the speech evaluator, etc.
Stay in regular communication with the parents about what they’re doing at home, what’s going on at school, and what other supports they are using (like if they attend therapeutic play or speech therapy, etc).
Open communication helps ensure everyone is working towards a common goal to help the child succeed, as well as staying on top of important information that can impact the methods used, like if there was a recent change in service or a major life event.
A formal behavior plan can give everyone a clear picture of what behavior is happening at school, what the teacher is doing in response, and how parents can help support these efforts, and keep track of what’s been tried, and what’s working.
(BTW: Our online professional development on challenging behavior has a whole section dedicated to showing teachers how to make a behavior management plan.)
Don’t only communicate when things are bad!
If there’s ongoing behavior challenges, hopefully you’ve been in regular communication with the parent from the beginning concerning the behavior, but be intentional about mentioning other things too!
No one wants to only hear about why their child is so challenging 24/7 and it can warp their perception of you and your intentions if the only time you speak with them it’s to tell them something negative.
Share a positive learning moment, a funny joke the child made, reassure them you’re both on the same team, something positive to maintain a good relationship with them.
When nothing works…
In a perfect world, parents/caregivers would 100% get on board with supporting educators with behavior challenges and be open to communication and teamwork.
Unfortunately, it is not a perfect world.
There might be situations where the parent absolutely refuses to seek out an evaluation, digs their feet in about insisting their child isn’t capable of certain behavior, or doesn’t follow through on something you know would be beneficial for the child.
You could give them a million and one articles and resources to help and they all might go unread and ignored.
It’s frustrating.
But you might have to come to terms with it and move forward with trying to provide the best care you can with things within your control.
In those moments remember:
Try to withhold judgment. We never know why a parent is refusing to get involved. It could be they’re at their mental/emotional capacity, maybe they’re struggling with the fear of a possible diagnosis, maybe they don’t have the resources or an understanding of how to navigate the situation, etc.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that they’re bad parents or just don’t care- but that’s an assumption, and a potentially harmful one.
Keep communicating and trying. You can’t force caregivers to do something, but you can keep encouraging them.
Continue to provide resources, updating the parent, reminding them you’re there to be a support if they need you, and that you’re there and waiting when/if they’re ready to move forward.
It’s harder to see change without parent support, but not impossible. You can still create consistent routines and expectations for the child in the classroom with or without parental support. Eventually, the child will begin to see that there are a certain set of expectations at school that you enforce, even if it’s not followed through with at home.
If it’s something beyond your scope of care, like intense aggression, concerns with cognitive development, or maladaptive behavior and it really needs a parent’s intervention to seek out evaluations or other resources, the next steps need to be discussed in-depth with your director.
The answer isn’t always expulsion. As a matter of fact, we encourage, if at all possible, to not resort to exclusionary methods.
You may be able to get support from other agencies like an ECE coach or behavior management coach to help in the classroom. Still continue to communicate with the parents.
Unfortunately, there are honestly still some situations where the child simply cannot get the care they need without certain resources, and if the parent’s lack of involvement is what’s preventing that, then we owe it to the child (and parent) to be honest and let them know upfront.
Overall, sometimes that feeling of parents not caring is actually just miscommunication or a lack of communication.
And in situations when you might be on your own, share your frustration with a trusted colleague or Early Childhood community members and hold on to knowing that you’re doing your best, and that’s all you really can do.
10 Ways to Make Daycare Drop Off's Easier
Getting your kids up and out of the house in the morning is challenging enough, so how can parents help ease the drop off’s at daycare and school?
If you have a child on their way to preschool, the scene of a little one clutching onto their parent’s leg with a death grip and pouring tears might sound familiar. It might even resonate on a personal note if you’ve had to pry little fingers off your arm at drop-off.
Going to daycare/preschool can be an exciting time for both a parent and the child/ren, but that doesn’t always guarantee they enjoy the transition from home to school.
Here are 10 ways to help ease the drop-off transition for both you and your child.
Well rested and well-fed makes a happy kid.
Some days can be a blur of rushed teeth brushing and repeating “get your shoes on” 20 million times, however taking the time to make sure they’ve eaten a good breakfast and they get plenty of sleep the night before can make all the difference.
If you’re often finding yourself and your family pinched for time, consider having a few healthy “on-the-go” meals prepped for these types of days. Bowls of fresh fruit, mini pancakes, and breakfast burritos travel well.
Have a casual discussion about school in the morning and on the way there.
If your child feels up to it, ask them if they plan on playing with their favorite playmate, what they’ll build with the legos today, or what their favorite game at the playground is. Helping them get excited about how much fun they have can help build anticipation instead of anxiousness.
Skip the lectures about “no crying” during drop-off. It could just amp up their anxiety and unintentionally create guilt or shame about having a hard time separating from you. Reassure them and remind them that you’ll be returning.
Let them help prepare for school.
Kids love being involved and might be more willing to part ways if they know they’ve had a hand in preparing their lunch or getting dressed. Giving choices and offering to let them help can also remove some power struggles which is an added bonus.
Stay calm.
Children can sense when you’re anxious or nervous about something and that can feed into their own fears. Be confident at drop-offs and show your child you trust them to be in their teacher’s care.
Remember the language you use with yourself too. Instead of thinking “they’re about to start acting up!” when you see the beginning of their tearful meltdown don’t let yourself get riled up. Ground yourself and stay positive.
They could very well cry, but we don’t have to adopt our children’s moods to empathize with them. Children are allowed to be upset, but you’re also still allowed to be calm and excited about their day at preschool.
Make drop-offs simple.
It’s tempting to linger until they settle down but the majority of the time, extended stays can make the separation harder. By doing this the child builds an expectation of you staying or might pick up the message that you’re not comfortable leaving them. Give them a hug and goodbye then drop them off.
If you have to, physically hand them off to their teacher. While the cries might be heart-wrenching, usually a child can be soothed a few moments later.
There might be exceptions when the child seems to do better if you gradually leave and this is something to discuss with the teachers beforehand. You might be able to walk them to the playground instead of using the carpool or help the child put their lunchbox away to give them that extra time with you.
Either way, remember when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. Try not to get roped into the “one more minute” battle. Confidently tell your little one goodbye, you love them, you’ll be back and leave.
Brace yourself for the first few days.
If your child is starting a new school, coming back after an extended break, going through a major life event, or starting childcare for the first time altogether, know that adjusting can take some time.
7. Don’t stress if the second/third day doesn’t go well (even if the first day did).
You might be surprised to see your child stroll into their classroom with no issues the first day, and then delighted to hear they’ve done fine all day only to have them fall apart on day number two. This is normal if the child suddenly realizes that this is going to become a recurrent event.
8. Make a plan for communication.
Sometimes drop-offs are more stressful for the parent than the child. If you’re feeling nervous about sending your little one off without you, don’t be shy about asking your child’s teacher if you can get an update for the first day or two.
Most teachers won’t mind sending a picture of them playing to help you gain some peace of mind.
9. Ask the teacher if you can bring a lovey. Sometimes having a blanket from home can help comfort a child. However, as they become more accustomed to their school, help them learn other soothing methods as well since loveys can sometimes be a distraction in the classroom or cause a quarrel.
If blankets aren’t allowed you could send your kiddo a love note, a picture, or a surprise card in their lunchbox.
10. Don’t sneak out.
This is different than simply leaving quietly if they found something to do. Sneaking out would be something like purposefully pointing your child’s attention towards the classroom fish and then suddenly disappearing. * poof * or pretending like you’re going to get your jacket and then not returning.
This can play into their worst fear about being abandoned and can not only make future drop-offs harder but also leaves them upset throughout the day.
Remember that being upset isn’t a bad thing.
It’s okay for your child to miss you and express this. Continue to be consistent, stay resilient, and keep reassuring them that you love them and will see them after school.
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Aggressive behavior like hitting, kicking, and biting are easily cited as one of the most stressful behaviors in the early childhood classroom. Here are some tips for handling aggressive behavior in the PreK/daycare classroom.